Oops, I Did It Again
by dalekchung
Summary: Alex kisses four people…unintentionally. They so happen to be his former SAS unit. CRACK-ITY CRACK.


**A/N:** Crack. CRACK, I REPEAT. It was a long flight, okay? (You can definitely tell what the inspiration for part 1 was lmao). Unedited mess coming at you.

* * *

 **1\. EAGLE**

Alex hated flights. More accurately, he hated the waiting, the screaming children, and the disgustingly bland food. It was fortunate that he didn't have to fly often (besides his missions and private flights didn't really count). When he did, Alex liked to glare viciously in no particular direction, brooding over the inevitable toddler that screamed its bloody pleasure.

He was at the waiting stage now, tapping his foot impatiently as he waited for the man in front of him to lift his carry-on item into the locker. The Pleasures were really quite lucky to have someone like Alex—willing to fly all that way for a holiday. On second thought, he relented, it had been Alex's own idea to find shelter somewhere sunny. But either way—

The man in front of him let out a powerful gust of wind. From where? Alex wasn't sure if the man had farted or let loose some stools. He couldn't tell from the wretched smell that was now permeating the cabin either. Yet another reason why he hated flights, Alex shuddered as he held his breath and brushed past the man. There were too many people with poor hygiene. He'd have to wash his hands thoroughly throughout the flight. It wouldn't do if Alex got sick.

Alex glanced down at his ticket. Row 31, smack dab in the middle of this particular cabin. It would be easy to blend in, he thought particularly viciously, if there were any unfortunate circumstances in which a screaming infant was… silenced.

He barely withheld a glare as he passed by a family of three, the youngest of which was exactly that: a young toddler, screaming bloody murder. The parents watched, nonchalant, as passengers turned to look on incredulously.

"Twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one," Alex muttered to himself, turning his attention to the row numbers on top of the seats. Equipped with only a backpack, Alex slipped in his seat, shoving his bag underneath the chair in front of him. It really wasn't that hard, he thought as the next person paused to search for an empty locker.

"Cub?"

Alex jumped at the sudden voice by his left ear. He turned, flinching back when he was met face to face with a familiar, sandy-haired man that he hadn't seen for a good five years. He looked relatively the same, what with the broad shoulders and mischievous quirk to the corner of his lips. Alex blinked, hard, "Eagle?"

"It is you!" Eagle exclaimed, not bothering to pull back. His hot breath fanning Alex's face. The latter forced his nose not to crinkle in disgust. The soldier smelled like onions. It wouldn't have been a bad smell if it hadn't been from Eagle's mouth.

The question flew out of Alex's mouth before he could stop it, "What are you doing here?" He swore, if Jones thought he needed a _bodyguard_ of all things—

"Oh, I'm on leave," Eagle explained, examining Alex's face with curious eyes. "Did you know you have a freckle? Right there?" He used his pinky to flick Alex on the bridge of his noise.

 _"_ _Boarding completed. Cabin crew, prepare for takeoff."_

Annoyed, Alex flicked Eagle in the nose in retaliation, "Has anyone told you that you're annoying?" He tried leaning back to escape the uncomfortable violation of his personal bubble, but the headrest of the chair prevented him from doing so.

"They may have motioned it," Eagle admitted, the grin never leaving his face. He leaned even closer, his nose brushing Alex's. "What are _you_ doing here?" Suspicion colored his voice.

"I'm going on holiday," Alex replied, unnerved. "Er, do you mind—?"

Alex hadn't noticed, but the plane had been moving, positioning itself in the runway. The flight, being slightly ahead of schedule, was ready to takeoff, and at that precise moment, as the plane hurdled itself forward and into the sky, Eagle's face slammed into Alex's.

" _Umph!_ Alex gurgled under the ministrations of Eagle's lips, eyes widened in pure, unadulterated horror. He pushed Eagle back by his (extremely toned) pecs. "What the hell?"

Eagle, equally as horrified, pressed himself back into his seat, red flushing across his face. He stared straight forward, avoiding Alex's eyes as he cried, his voice an octave higher than normal, "What do you mean, 'what the hell'? You're the one who bloody well attacked me!"

"Me?" Alex yowled, putting a hand up to his burning lips. "You're the one who was shoving his face in someone else's personal bubble!"

"Personal bubble?" Eagle had turned a lovely shade of purple. "What are you, five? Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"Why did you feel the need to invade my space?" Alex retorted, face hot. "You goddamn soldiers—"

" _Shh!"_ someone shushed. Alex shot a venomous glare to the woman in the row across from him. She held a child, covering his ears, a scandalized look slapped across her face. "There are children on board."

Alex's glare was enough to send her cringing.

"I hate you," Alex muttered, aiming that comment to the man next to him.

They didn't talk for the rest of the seven-hour flight.

* * *

 **2\. SNAKE**

"Yes, I'll have a latte, please," Alex smiled charmingly at the girl at the cashier, handing over the money. There wasn't much that Alex did habitually. Coffee at the coffee shop just around the corner from the Royal and General bank was one of these rare exceptions. He needed a nice kick to his morning routine. It wasn't everyday Alex had missions, after all. The rest consisted of paperwork and massaging his temples as his recruits tried maiming each other. It was hand-to-hand combat evaluations today, and Alex just couldn't wait for the pounding headache to set in.

"One latte!" the mug was set sloppily on the counter as the barista winked at him.

"Thanks, Millie!" Alex grinned at her as he grabbed his latte, spinning around on his heel. It was time to face the music. The music being his rambunctious students.

" _Umph!"_

Alex didn't encounter open space as he turned, already striding forward. This was his daily routine, and no one dared to interrupt his sacred morning routine.

Alex sprawled forward, body pressing against someone else's. The fall seemed to happen in slow motion. His poor latte launched itself across their heads, splashing onto the floor in a mess. Alex was falling, still falling, as his legs tangled with someone else's. He barely had enough time to recognize the dark red hair and fatigues before Alex's lips landed on Snake's. They thudded to the ground, arms, legs, and lips interlocked with each other's.

Alex was the first to react, pulling himself away from the soldier with a weak coo of despair.

"Cub?" dazed, this was the only thing Snake seemed to be able to say.

"Holy shit, I am so sorry," Alex blurted out, pushing himself to his feet and backing away. "That was, um—"

Snake pushed himself up to a sitting position with one hand, using the other to rub the back of his head gingerly, "It's okay, Cub, it was just an accident."

Alex nodded dumbly, his face burning with embarrassment as a barista hurried forward to clean up the mess. He shot Millie an exasperated glare. He could literally hear her clucking with amusement.

At his silence, Snake raised his eyebrows, skeptical, "It was just an accident, right?"

Caught off guard, Alex blinked numbly, unable to formulate the proper response.

At his silence, Snake softened, standing upright to face Alex, "Look, Cub, you're a great guy, I'm sure. But we haven't talked in, what, five years? I appreciate the interest, I really do…"

"Interest?" Alex spluttered indignantly. "What interest?"

Snake looked at him as if he were dumb.

Ah, right. The kiss.

"It was an accident, I swear," Alex stepped away from the ginger, awkward. "Anyway, it was nice to see you. Bye!"

Alex was halfway to Royal and General when he realized he had never gotten his latte. Scowling, he shoved his way through the crowd. Perhaps his pounding headache would distract him from the obscene face battle with Snake.

As it turned out, it didn't.

* * *

 **3\. WOLF**

"Would you stop that?" Alex shot a glare at the olive-skinned soldier next to him. It was crowded enough on the Tube. Nothing like rush hour, but there wasn't enough room for Wolf to be constantly charging at an empty seat just to yield to an elderly woman. "We're almost there anyway. Can't you just hold on to a handrail like a normal person?"

"No," Wolf grunted, glaring wholeheartedly at the spy. "My goddamn legs hurt, and I want to sit."

"Was leg day too much for you?" Alex couldn't help the cheeky smile that made its way onto his face. Of course it had been too much. Not everyone could keep up with a certain Alex Rider.

The train, which had paused to vomit out a horde of people, beeped angrily before closing. Wolf barely had time to grab a rail before it shot off to the next stop, leaving him to stumble at the sudden jerk. He shot another glare at the spy, "It was fine, brat." The stiffness in his legs said otherwise, however.

Wolf turned his attention to the nearest empty seat, just a few seats behind Alex. The person who had occupied it was just moving off, leaving the perfect window of opportunity. The spy glanced back, and upon seeing the empty seat, grinned.

"Don't you dare—"

Alex was already moving, cutting off the soldier. With a victorious cry, he leapt forth, only turning around to preen in triumph. What he didn't expect was for the shorter man to be hurdling toward him, righteous fury dominating his face.

He could tell from the trajectory of Wolf's jump and the place Alex was positioned, there was no way he could escape the body slam. There was simply not enough room.

 _Slam!_

Alex let out a yelp as they collided, crashing to the floor in a tangle of limbs. His head, which Alex had fought hard to protect by placing his hands by the back of his head, bounced, and for a moment, all he could see were white spots. For a moment, suspended in air, chapped lips met his. That moment was ruined as the rest of Wolf's weight came with him.

"Bloody hell!" Alex shoved the soldier off, tasting tangy metal in his mouth. He swiped at his mouth with the back of his hand. It came back with red streaks. "You bastard!"

Wolf was sporting similar injuries, though his lips hadn't split. They were swollen, however, and Alex couldn't help but think he'd just come from a hot and heavy makeup session. With him.

"You," Wolf spluttered. "You started it!"

"I was just making my way to an empty seat!" Alex growled back, blood dripping onto his trousers. "Damn it, you little—"

"Don't call me little, you arse!" Wolf grabbed ahold of the spy's shirt, lifting him up a few centimeters. "I ought to—"

"So cute!" a squeal caught both of their attentions. "Do you want me to send this to you? I got some pictures. You two make an adorable couple."

The girl withered under identical deadpan stares.

"Er," she mumbled, eyes dropping to her feet. "I'll just keep them for myself…?"

* * *

 **4\. FOX (BEN)**

"There he is," Ben muttered, lifting a glass up to his lips. "Nine-o-clock."

"I see him," Alex replied nonchalantly, as if they were having a normal conversation. He tossed a shot back. Someone behind him cheered drunkenly. Music blared deafeningly through the club, and Alex could feel his body reverberating with the bass line. He hated it. "Where's he going?"

"In the back," Ben's voice was magnified through Alex's earpiece. Once again, the spy silently thanked Smithers for his incredible skill of foresight.

"Let's go."

The flashing lights were incredibly disorienting, as were the sweaty bodies grinding on each other. Alex held back a gag of disgust as someone, sweaty and drunk, grabbed his hand in an effort to force him to join.

Ben pulled him out of the throng, a heavy grimace on his face, "Stop fooling around, will you?"

Alex shot him an affronted look but didn't dignify it with an answer. There was plenty of time after the mission to argue with him. Instead, he pulled out his phone, "If we get closer, we'll be able to use that app."

A simple app to magnify sound in one direction. Again, Alex loved Smithers.

Ben led the charge through the next gaggle of people, though it was notably thinner than the grinding pit.

"He's going into the back room," Ben said, stopping. He swayed in place, as if disoriented. It was pretty convincing, Alex had to admit begrudgingly. "Hallway."

The hallway that led to the back room was filled with couples that were too intoxicated to find a ride back home. Which meant that there was plenty of sloppy, wet kissing and casual humping. Alex shuddered in disgust as Ben pulled them closer to the door their target had disappeared into.

"We're lucky, yes!" Ben hissed under his breath, taking up the last available spot, right by the door. "Do you have it?"

Alex answered by pressing the back of his phone to the door. Instantly, his earpiece was filled with the sound of erotic moaning. He made a face. Seriously, was it legal for a man of their target's age to be participating in sexual acts?

"I thought you never mixed pleasure with business," someone sighed.

"It is business!" their target purred back. "We're celebrating our successful purchase. Tomorrow, we'll get the slaves."

"And make a pretty penny off of them," the woman giggled back. "Zephyr was a real fool for that price tag."

There was another minute of moaning and general expletives. Ben was turning red at the noises, "I want a pay raise after this."

The thumping of footsteps sent both of the spies scrambling backwards, but not before they heard, "Eight tomorrow. In the warehouse. I'll see you then."

Alex hastily shoved his phone into his pocket, flashing a panicked look at his partner. If they didn't get out now, they would stick out like a sore thumb amongst the other couples. Alex and Ben couldn't afford to be noticed—or worse: identified.

Clearly, Ben was thinking along the same lines. He leapt at Alex, shoving him against the wall, "Sorry in advance."

Alex barely registered the turning doorknob as Ben pressed his lips against his own, body following in suit. For a moment, the shock was enough to paralyze the younger spy, but he knew the simple genius of the move. They would blend right in, and their faces would be obscured. He just had to deal with Ben's writhing tongue and unfortunate body until their target was gone.

The premise was simple, but it was hard to follow through. Alex squeezed his eyes shut as the door swung open. He forced his hands to wander down Ben's back and towards his bottom. Smirking against Ben's lips, Alex pinched a cheek. If he was going to kiss his partner, he might as well make him suffer for putting him through this.

Ben let out an artificial moan that made Alex want to cringe right into the wall.

"This looks fun, doesn't it?" It was hard to hear over the thumping music, but the target was shouting loud enough to his partner that Alex could hear. "Let's join them."

Alex's eyes shot open in terror. There, situated diagonally from the two spies, the target and the woman were continuing their heavy make out session.

"Why is it always me?" Alex groaned as Ben planted another searing kiss onto his neck.

Ben made a noise of agreement in the back of his throat, "I better be getting a pay raise by the end of this week." He glared down at Alex and the nearly invisible mic on his collarbone. "You hear that, Jones?"

Back in the Royal and General Bank, Jones let out an obnoxious giggle.


End file.
